Life Change

About 11 months ago, my husband and I had made a decision to not have any more children. We were content with having 4 children. 3 girls and 1 boy was perfect (unless you asked our son, he had been hoping for a brother for quite some time). We had also hoped that we would have another son, but as time went on, we realized that it would not be happening. With 3 teenagers and an 8 year old, we were sure we were done. And then it happened. I felt something was “off”. I had just come to terms with not having anymore children and being ready to enter into a season where our children were more independent. A time where we would be focusing more on the goals and dreams of ours and helping our children into theirs. And still, something was “off”, so I took a pregnancy test. I was afraid to look at the results. I literally waited with knots in my stomach, afraid to see the possibility of me being pregnant. I picked up the results with my eyes closed. I still couldn’t open my eyes, but had to peek at the results. PREGNANT. Wait, what? Nope, let’s take another test. PREGNANT. Nope, still don’t believe it. Another test. PREGNANT. Yes, I bought a whole box because I just couldn’t believe it. Now, how do I break the news to my husband after we have just made the decision to not have any more children? I have no idea…

So, why was this time so different? Sure we had decided that we wouldn’t have any more children, but it wasn’t just that or the fact that we were ready to be in the more “independent” phase of parenthood, but because I was afraid of experiencing yet another loss. Having 4 children, not many people know that I had also experienced 4 miscarriages. Loss of an unborn child and then being pregnant worried me at every stage of each pregnancy. This pregnancy also meant that I would be considered “high risk” because of my age. I had all 4 of my children in my 20’s, so now in my late 30’s, I assumed things would be and feel different. At the very beginning of my pregnancy, about 6 weeks, I remember being at work and about to go to lunch with a few friends when I started bleeding. So I panicked. I went to my doctor prior to my first appointment because I was afraid of losing this baby. Turns out everything was fine. A healthy little embryo with a heartbeat that I could see on the screen. Thank you Lord!

So, how did I end up telling my husband? He actually came in the bathroom where I was sitting, staring at the wall and thinking to myself, imagining what life would be like with a new addition to our family. He asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong, but that I was pregnant. He didn’t believe it. He was in shock. Not a bad shock. Just an “I can’t believe it” shock. The “I’m getting older and want to be here for my kids as they grow up” kind of shock. The “I didn’t see this coming” kind of shock. So, while we both didn’t know how to respond to the news, we were just quiet and didn’t say anything about it for about 24 hours. We just didn’t have the words to say, we were literally speechless. We had agreed to wait until we were in the “safe part of the pregnancy” to announce the news to anyone else. I was starting to get a little worried because my husband wasn’t saying much about any of the pregnancy. That changed on Thanksgiving Day with family gathered around for prayer over the food. My husband decided to announce to everyone there that we were pregnant and expecting our 5th baby! We didn’t have a conversation about it at all, but I wasn’t mad at all, I was so shocked and full of joy that he was even sharing, that I cried after he announced it! And boy did it shock the family!

As I sit here typing this and reliving the moments of the pregnancy, how I worried, cried, was unsure if baby was okay, felt baby move, I am so very thankful and grateful for the joy the experience brought me. And now, how incredible it is to hold my son. Our son, who we never thought would be here. Our son who has brought so much joy to our lives. Our son who has brought out something in each and every one of us that I never thought existed. I don’t know how to express the joy that this life change has brought us. In the midst of all of that is going on around us; a global pandemic, racial inequality, social injustice, political agendas, changes in finances, employment, and so many other things that we continuously go through in life, our son has brought a new sense of calm. A peace that only God could bring. A life with 5 children, all whom I love dearly, and I am so very thankful to be in this very moment, in this very season.

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